Am I
with the Right One?
(Excerpt from Jason C.
Steinle’s book—Upload Experience: Quarterlife
Solutions)
Silky,
smooth sounds of Luther VanDross echo around the room as the camera zooms in on
their faces. The tangerine sun gently sets and there is no doubt that they are
perfect for one another. If only in real life it were as easy to know when you
have found “the one”—just like in the movies. Unfortunately, there are no sure
signs. As soon as you think you’ve found your soul mate, you immediately begin
to wonder about the others still out there. Likewise, when you’re single and
out among the others, you’re always looking for the “one.”
Jason, 27, of
I
asked Jason what advice he has for those seeking the right partner. “If you
fast forwarded the relationship, it was very easy. That’s the recommendation I
give to people. Have a relationship that’s easy. It’s not going to be beautiful
all the time, but it should be easy because you have common goals. The biggest
difference I see between this relationship and any other relationship I’ve ever
had is that it’s easy and fun. It’s like working with my best friend.”
Jason knew he had found the right partner when the
relationship felt natural. It was not a fairytale, but, despite all of the bumps
and hurdles, it moved along with ease. The key is to have a shared vision of
what the relationship is and where it is going. This is a major point. I know
many people who abandon relationships at the first sign of trouble. When a
disagreement erupts, they walk. There’s no willingness to work things out and
grow from the experience. As a result, non-committed relationships dominate in
our generation. We go from person to person enjoying the initial infatuation
and “honeymoon” phase of the relationship, but back out and move on as soon as
deeper issues of commitment and honesty arise.
While
easy come, easy go relationships are not a beneficial lifelong strategy,
according to John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,
they do serve a purpose when you are in your early 20s. “The real key for
people is not to place so much importance on these relationships as teenagers
and in your early 20s. Ideally, wait till you are in the 24-27 range before you
get serious about relationships,” Gray told me during an interview.
“There
is so much brain development that happens between 18-27. You really don’t know
what you want till you get up there in age. It’s hard to know the right person,
and it’s hard for them to know if you are the right person. Unfortunately, even
if you think you are lucky, you are still not ready to make a serious
relationship work. The highest rate of divorce is people who get married in
their early 20s. They don’t know what they want yet.
“The
20s is a time to do what you want to do. If relationship is a part of that,
then have relationships on your terms. Don’t focus so much yet on making
compromises and pleasing others. It should be more about learning how to be
autonomous. Then when your brain develops around 27, you are really capable of
knowing if this is the person for me.”
As Gray points out, the first step you can take to find
your ideal partner is to make an effort to know yourself. In fact, this is the
answer to the majority of the quarterlife questions. How can you expect to
recognize what you want in someone else if you don’t even know what you want in
yourself?
Looking back on my own relationships, it is clear that
attraction was based on my own identity at the time. When I was trying to be
Mr. GQ I dated Amy, a beauty queen who was a “good catch,” because both of us
were more interested in whom we were seen with than why we were together. Next
came, Kathy, an adventurous girl who enjoyed rock climbing and mountain
biking. She was a match because we both
identified ourselves as outdoor adventurists. Then came Veronica, a “hippy
girl” who talked poetry, politics, and music. She fed my interest in the arts
and culture. Time and time again, as I
reflect back, it’s obvious that my personal identity was reflected in the
partners and friends I embraced. Just like if you are at a big party with
people of all nationalities. The tendency is to gravitate toward those who
speak English if that’s your primary language. So too, in life, you will always
gravitate towards those to whom you feel a connection. Jason instantly felt a
rapport with Jamie, and that’s why after the first meeting he told his friends
he had met the woman he was going to marry.
The secret to
being able to identify if your partner is the right one is to become clear on
who you are. As Gray points out, casual dating in your early 20s can be a
time to discover yourself. In addition, you may journal, meditate, take
workshops, and go for walks to help “find yourself.” Also read the chapter, “Who Am I?”, to answer better this
important question. Once you have peeled
back the layers of who you are, it will be easier and clearer to know when your
ideal partner enters into your life. As Brigitte Secard, 30, author of Soulfire,
says so well, “We must find our own soul before we look for its soul mate.”
Opportunity
Let’s assume that you have taken steps to get to know
your own likes, dislikes, values, strengths, and weaknesses. (If not, read the
chapters “What is My Purpose?”, “Does Becoming a Responsible Adult Mean Life
Becomes Boring and Monotonous?” and “Who Am I?”) To know if the person you are
with is the right one, first ask yourself: How
do I feel when I am alone with myself? Do
you like your own company or does being alone make you antsy and uneasy? The bottom line is that you have to be
comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with the companionship
of someone else.
The
second step is to ask: How do I feel when
I am with him/her? Is it an easy, fun, interesting, intimate, supportive,
nurturing, and respectful relationship? Or is it hard, dull, boring, cold,
competitive, painful, tiring, and trying? Often we base the compatibility of
our relationships on the other person’s profile: the job they have, books
they’ve read, money they make, activities they pursue, places they travel, and
so forth, and we forget to ask ourselves simply what it feels like when we are
with him or her.
Next ask yourself: Why
are we together at this moment? This is a big question that requires your
complete honesty. Are you together because you are lonely or scared? Is it
because you want someone to wash your clothes and take care of you? Do you need
someone for your image? Perhaps you need someone to bring to dinner meetings,
to please your parents, or to impress your friends?
Really—why
are you together? Do you need each other to fill a void or do you genuinely
want to be together? There is a big difference. In the latter case, you support
each other in a similar vision. You desire to share your triumphs and
tribulations with another. You both realize that being vulnerable and intimate
is one of the most frightening yet rewarding of human experiences. An honest
answer to Why are we together at this
moment? will help you clearly see whether your partner is the right one.
Finally I recommend you ask yourself: What is my contribution to him/her in the
relationship? This question helps keep a balanced perspective. It is very
easy when trying to determine if another person is “right” for you to forget
that a relationship also involves a sharing of yourself. If you discover that
you are taking, taking, taking from the relationship without giving anything of
yourself, then it is an unhealthy connection no matter how much you may enjoy
it.
Likewise,
you may discover that what you contribute to the relationship is not congruent
with what you want your life to represent. For example, you may be demanding
and controlling of your partner and for whatever reason he/she “gets off” on
your insensitivity. No matter how much the relationship seems to work, if your
top values are understanding and compassion, the relationship will inevitably
distress you. You’ll never be content as long as you continue living a
contradiction between your values and actions.
Asking
these four questions will help you become clearer if the person you’re with is
the right one.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2002-2005
Jason C Steinle the host of The Steinle Show talk radio and television programs. He is a Doctor of Chiropractic and Director of Health and Harmony Chiropractic and Wellness Center in Evergreen, CO. Jason is also the author of Upload Experience: Quarterlife Solutions which is available at www.amazon.com and at www.uploadexperience.com